Changes are happening. Changes that I have waited so long for and changes that I joyfully said yes to. I am overwhelmed with excitement but also just overwhelmed. I have been thinking a lot lately about what this change means and doesn't mean. It is difficult when you realize that you have these expectations that are not at all logical.
I have struggled for as long as I can remember and to compensate for struggling, I have chose to live in the tomorrow instead of the present. I guess it is not something you consciously chose to do, just something that your mind does for some self-preservation. It has made me always look forward to things to bring me happiness and to get me by. When the events come, I cannot even fully enjoy them. I am frantically searching for something in my near future to look forward to. If I cannot find anything, I get so scared and feel so alone. I am alone with myself and just my being.
I am overwhelmed at the process of planning the event that marks the change in my life, but I am scared that I will overlook this joyous and momentous occasion to look for the future. To look for my next dose of anticipation. I don't want that. It makes life hard. In my daydreams about the future, it always includes being completely satisfied with what that day has to offer. That, being so simple I know, is my dream for the future. It is even my dream for myself. I know it is elementary but it is what it is.
I was thinking about my other plans and goals for the future and I felt so guilty. There are so many things that I want to do but I have been waiting so long for them to fall in my lap. I know that all of this is going to sound so cliche but I realized it is the same for my personhood. I cannot wait for occasions to happen to change the things that I want changed. Marriage is not going to magically make my life happier and make everything I hate about myself disappear. There are things that I will have to learn to love and things I will need to learn to change.
6 comments:
Marriage doesn't necessarily change everything, but it changes the way you view everything. Everything now gets run through the filter of "us" first.
I am excited for you. Getting married was actually one of the very happiest moments of my life. I hope its as awesome for you guys as it was for us!
I can totally understand that desire to look for the best thing the future hold and pin all your hopes on that...
It sounds like you have a really good perspective, Laura; and your wedding was so amazing!!!
oops--that last comment was me, NOT, um, Hank Baskett...
...and still I don't know who Hank baskett is?
HA! Just realized that I STILL didn't leave my name--it's jess! Sorry about that...Welcome home, Laura Robinson-Simmons!!!!! Is that how your new name is?
I hope you guys had a wonderful trip and I heard your new bed is quite lovely--so happy for you!
Can't wait to see you in December!
I really enjoyed reading this post...to second Jess' (or rather Hank Baskett's) comment...I like your perspective. It's so easy to always be looking ahead instead of realizing that today was yesterdays tomorrow...deep I know : ) I am really excited for you in this time in your life. Marriage is truly a wonderful thing. I just realized that this is going to say it's Josh but it's actually Christine. I'm sure you would have known that though : )
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