Chris' birthday was on Thursday and this past Saturday we had a murder mystery dinner party for him. Drew and I planned it - so it was obviously a little unorganized. Drew and I always have these great (maybe sometimes slightly unrealistic ideas) about things we could do (not us in particular but in general within our separate marriages or with our respective spouses). I am the one that mentioned stadium seating for last year's super bowl game, not knowing that Drew would jump all over that idea. Sorry Jess!
Drew is a great friend for Chris. He is a great friend of mine and it is cool that he lives 200 yards away. If we can't come up with plans or ideas we can always talk about the odd similarities with our mothers. People it is strange how similar they are!
I can be a slightly impulsive person. When I think of something to do or buy, I want to do it at that moment. I hate waiting. I am impatient. and I hate being impatient. If something doesn't happen right away, I tend to give up or shelf it. I know that is horrible. I like to see results, like to see things happen, love to come up with something and see it come into fruition. I guess when I don't see it, it feels like the dream is unattainable, was never meant to be.
I guess what is confusing to me is when do you know that what you want is more than a childhood fantasy and actually something that is attainable. I never want to be someone that is clueless, unaware of my own limitations, oblivious to what everyone else sees.
It is good that I am married to someone that doesn't give up. Chris can see the bigger picture and plan for it. I think of something I want and then get distracted by something else I see. It is cool too because Chris never squelches the ideas in me, never makes fun of them, and I know that he believes in me wholeheartedly... when I cannot believe in myself. It is fun to have a friend like Drew that you can think of crazy things to do, but if it was just up to Drew and I, they may they never turn into anything, just crazy ideas from two crazies.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Here is what I am thinking.
I think that humanity is just difficult. Sometimes I think about our minds and our hearts and how very vulnerable and fragile they are. I am amazed that people get out of bed and shower and go to work and ect... Sometimes I don't feel like doing anything and so I don't. I fortunately and unfortunately have this luxury because of my very part-time job.
But really, lets think about this...
If we briefly skim over painful experiences, your own or of people you have heard of, in these moments we think that we will never recover. Somehow we do and honestly, sometimes the best of us don't. When we do, I wonder how much have we just pushed these torturous moments into the darkness of our minds. They are still there waiting for us. Waiting to kidnap us.
Or for the intensely sensitive human, they may quietly suffer without the notice of anyone. Maybe they compensate by using alcohol, which has been a friend to many of us. Or maybe they overeat to comfort that very hurting part of themselves, I can understand that too. And then their life becomes a cycle of judgement, regret, deep pain, and then hatred, repeat, repeat.
Who are we to judge? We push our pain to this dark place in our mind, and our world is tainted by a cloud of bitterness, and we never even realize the judgement and pain we inflict on others.
But I am glad we are resilient.
but I am amazed because sometimes I think, 'How do we get out of bed?'
I am glad we do. even when we don't want to.
and sometimes its okay that we don't.
DISCLAIMER
(I do realize that people do heal from traumatic experiences. I also realize that the church and therapy can play a huge role in this. and I am grateful for both)
I think that humanity is just difficult. Sometimes I think about our minds and our hearts and how very vulnerable and fragile they are. I am amazed that people get out of bed and shower and go to work and ect... Sometimes I don't feel like doing anything and so I don't. I fortunately and unfortunately have this luxury because of my very part-time job.
But really, lets think about this...
If we briefly skim over painful experiences, your own or of people you have heard of, in these moments we think that we will never recover. Somehow we do and honestly, sometimes the best of us don't. When we do, I wonder how much have we just pushed these torturous moments into the darkness of our minds. They are still there waiting for us. Waiting to kidnap us.
Or for the intensely sensitive human, they may quietly suffer without the notice of anyone. Maybe they compensate by using alcohol, which has been a friend to many of us. Or maybe they overeat to comfort that very hurting part of themselves, I can understand that too. And then their life becomes a cycle of judgement, regret, deep pain, and then hatred, repeat, repeat.
Who are we to judge? We push our pain to this dark place in our mind, and our world is tainted by a cloud of bitterness, and we never even realize the judgement and pain we inflict on others.
But I am glad we are resilient.
but I am amazed because sometimes I think, 'How do we get out of bed?'
I am glad we do. even when we don't want to.
and sometimes its okay that we don't.
DISCLAIMER
(I do realize that people do heal from traumatic experiences. I also realize that the church and therapy can play a huge role in this. and I am grateful for both)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
seasonal
I am having a creative breakdown.
I love the fall. I love the fall fashion. I love red, brown, and even burnt orange. I love walking and hearing the leaves under my feet crackling. I love apple cider and ginger snaps. I love tea and soup and cuddling with warm blankets. I actually love the weather and the sky and the way the naked trees look. I love scarves and boots, oh I love rain boots. You see, I love Autumn, I really do. I look forward to it.
The downfall about Fall... The artistic sky that creates a beautiful landscape for blank canvas and a charcoal pencil seems dreary and depressing. Sometimes I can feel trapped, trapped because it is cold and trapped because I want to feel free. There is something about being bundled with scarves that can feel somewhat restricting, somewhat suffocating.
I know that during this beautiful time of year I should feel inspired but I don't. I feel blocked. Everything I make, I am not happy with. It is so frustrating. I look at my creativity for an outlet that I don't get anywhere else. So I am writing and trying to push through those barriers, and trying not to let that naked tree and its creepy hand branches squeeze all of it out.
I love the fall. I love the fall fashion. I love red, brown, and even burnt orange. I love walking and hearing the leaves under my feet crackling. I love apple cider and ginger snaps. I love tea and soup and cuddling with warm blankets. I actually love the weather and the sky and the way the naked trees look. I love scarves and boots, oh I love rain boots. You see, I love Autumn, I really do. I look forward to it.
The downfall about Fall... The artistic sky that creates a beautiful landscape for blank canvas and a charcoal pencil seems dreary and depressing. Sometimes I can feel trapped, trapped because it is cold and trapped because I want to feel free. There is something about being bundled with scarves that can feel somewhat restricting, somewhat suffocating.
I know that during this beautiful time of year I should feel inspired but I don't. I feel blocked. Everything I make, I am not happy with. It is so frustrating. I look at my creativity for an outlet that I don't get anywhere else. So I am writing and trying to push through those barriers, and trying not to let that naked tree and its creepy hand branches squeeze all of it out.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Just being
Changes are happening. Changes that I have waited so long for and changes that I joyfully said yes to. I am overwhelmed with excitement but also just overwhelmed. I have been thinking a lot lately about what this change means and doesn't mean. It is difficult when you realize that you have these expectations that are not at all logical.
I have struggled for as long as I can remember and to compensate for struggling, I have chose to live in the tomorrow instead of the present. I guess it is not something you consciously chose to do, just something that your mind does for some self-preservation. It has made me always look forward to things to bring me happiness and to get me by. When the events come, I cannot even fully enjoy them. I am frantically searching for something in my near future to look forward to. If I cannot find anything, I get so scared and feel so alone. I am alone with myself and just my being.
I am overwhelmed at the process of planning the event that marks the change in my life, but I am scared that I will overlook this joyous and momentous occasion to look for the future. To look for my next dose of anticipation. I don't want that. It makes life hard. In my daydreams about the future, it always includes being completely satisfied with what that day has to offer. That, being so simple I know, is my dream for the future. It is even my dream for myself. I know it is elementary but it is what it is.
I was thinking about my other plans and goals for the future and I felt so guilty. There are so many things that I want to do but I have been waiting so long for them to fall in my lap. I know that all of this is going to sound so cliche but I realized it is the same for my personhood. I cannot wait for occasions to happen to change the things that I want changed. Marriage is not going to magically make my life happier and make everything I hate about myself disappear. There are things that I will have to learn to love and things I will need to learn to change.
I have struggled for as long as I can remember and to compensate for struggling, I have chose to live in the tomorrow instead of the present. I guess it is not something you consciously chose to do, just something that your mind does for some self-preservation. It has made me always look forward to things to bring me happiness and to get me by. When the events come, I cannot even fully enjoy them. I am frantically searching for something in my near future to look forward to. If I cannot find anything, I get so scared and feel so alone. I am alone with myself and just my being.
I am overwhelmed at the process of planning the event that marks the change in my life, but I am scared that I will overlook this joyous and momentous occasion to look for the future. To look for my next dose of anticipation. I don't want that. It makes life hard. In my daydreams about the future, it always includes being completely satisfied with what that day has to offer. That, being so simple I know, is my dream for the future. It is even my dream for myself. I know it is elementary but it is what it is.
I was thinking about my other plans and goals for the future and I felt so guilty. There are so many things that I want to do but I have been waiting so long for them to fall in my lap. I know that all of this is going to sound so cliche but I realized it is the same for my personhood. I cannot wait for occasions to happen to change the things that I want changed. Marriage is not going to magically make my life happier and make everything I hate about myself disappear. There are things that I will have to learn to love and things I will need to learn to change.
Friday, May 30, 2008
laying down memory lane.
Today I was thinking about my nana. I was lying down taking a nap and I heard birds outside and the breeze was blowing through the window. It was so peaceful and wonderful and I did drift into a wonderful nap. I remember when I was younger and I would go visit my nana. Her place is always so beautiful. She is so creative and artistic but she has never been a typical nana. She is tall and beautiful and not just "for her age." She has never been the nurturing type and she has always been sort of cold woman, but that is a different post, different subject.
Her place was lush with flowers and plants landscaped around her house. You see, I grew up for part of my life in the middle of nowhere. It was dry with tumble weeds and virtually no green in sight. We would drive down the dirt lane and in the clearing was this little oasis. It was shaded and wonderful. If you walked about half a mile, past the corral, you would come to a little creek. We found a deep area there that we used to swim in.
Her house was great too. I was always envious and inspired by her house. She had a little room in the back that was some sort of sunroom in the summer and a cozy little room with a fireplace in the winter. She worked on little projects in there. She must have grown out of this room because she later had a small studio built behind the house where she kept her art in. I would ask to go see the new things she had been working on. She would show me all the watercolors and oils and the pictures that inspired her paintings.
In the middle of the day she would lay down for an afternoon nap. Sometimes I would lay down in the spare room, but usually I would take this time to walk around the house and see all the beautiful artistic things.
So Chris has already started building me a special room. We painted this room a beautiful color and he has been building a desk with a drafting table "thingy" to paint and draw. There is also a flat space where I can work on these projects I have been doing.
So today I was taking a nap and it was wonderful and a little bit nostalgic.
Her place was lush with flowers and plants landscaped around her house. You see, I grew up for part of my life in the middle of nowhere. It was dry with tumble weeds and virtually no green in sight. We would drive down the dirt lane and in the clearing was this little oasis. It was shaded and wonderful. If you walked about half a mile, past the corral, you would come to a little creek. We found a deep area there that we used to swim in.
Her house was great too. I was always envious and inspired by her house. She had a little room in the back that was some sort of sunroom in the summer and a cozy little room with a fireplace in the winter. She worked on little projects in there. She must have grown out of this room because she later had a small studio built behind the house where she kept her art in. I would ask to go see the new things she had been working on. She would show me all the watercolors and oils and the pictures that inspired her paintings.
In the middle of the day she would lay down for an afternoon nap. Sometimes I would lay down in the spare room, but usually I would take this time to walk around the house and see all the beautiful artistic things.
So Chris has already started building me a special room. We painted this room a beautiful color and he has been building a desk with a drafting table "thingy" to paint and draw. There is also a flat space where I can work on these projects I have been doing.
So today I was taking a nap and it was wonderful and a little bit nostalgic.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
a little dose, here and again
It is weird when tragedy sneaks upon you when you least expect it. Going along, just having survived your teenage years and bam, boom...wham...$^%$#@# there it is. Nothing to your knowledge could have prevented it and there is nothing but the months to follow with a little dose of hope to get your through.
I was diagnosed with cancer six years ago. Wow, six years ago... I am healthy, and have been for the most part, these last five years. I am so thankful. I am. My body responded well to chemo and has done well since.
It is interesting how the memories of something sneaks back on you here and there. I lived in a fog for that year. I talk about it with family members and they say something that I have no idea about. It is weird how our minds do not allow us to always fully experience hardships we face. It gets tucked away in the folds only to pop up here and again.
I was "skyping" with my sister last night. She is in the Philippines teaching at some schools about the bible (a very specific book, that I cannot remember). It is easy to be honest when you are talking over the internet and someone is about ten thousand miles away (distance?). We were talking about my relationship with God and how I don't share that with people. That discussion then lead to talking about me having had cancer.
When I look back on that year, as i said previously, I don't remember a lot. I have no recollection of my siblings. I don't remember interacting with them at all. Three of them were in the house with me and still in high school. Apparently, she and Bethany traveled with me for the seven hour trip to chemo and I don't even remember this! They WERE there. I just don't remember them. I was sharing this with my sister and she said that I was very closed off then.
When I was about ten, I remember falling on this rock and tearing open my knee. It was deep, I mean very deep. As my cousin was driving me to the ER to get some stitches, I remember having the "Why did this happen to me?" conversation. But as soon as this came out of my mouth, I told her I was glad. I didn't wish it on anyone else. If it was fated that this had to happen to someone, I was glad to bear the pain instead of anyone else.
It is strange to think about your illness from the perspective of another. When I was talking to my sister, she was telling me how when I was diagnosed with cancer she was praying that it was her instead. That broke my heart. I mean this huge weight was pulling on me. I told her never, never would I want that. and I mean it. I feel lucky (in the loosest sense of the word) that it was me instead of anyone else. i am not saying this because I am selfless or good. BELIEVE ME, I AM NOT. I actually think it quite selfish of me. It is harder for me to see someone suffer than it is to suffer myself. I guess my real regret was that I didn't let anyone in to hold my hand... looking back, that would have been really nice.
I was diagnosed with cancer six years ago. Wow, six years ago... I am healthy, and have been for the most part, these last five years. I am so thankful. I am. My body responded well to chemo and has done well since.
It is interesting how the memories of something sneaks back on you here and there. I lived in a fog for that year. I talk about it with family members and they say something that I have no idea about. It is weird how our minds do not allow us to always fully experience hardships we face. It gets tucked away in the folds only to pop up here and again.
I was "skyping" with my sister last night. She is in the Philippines teaching at some schools about the bible (a very specific book, that I cannot remember). It is easy to be honest when you are talking over the internet and someone is about ten thousand miles away (distance?). We were talking about my relationship with God and how I don't share that with people. That discussion then lead to talking about me having had cancer.
When I look back on that year, as i said previously, I don't remember a lot. I have no recollection of my siblings. I don't remember interacting with them at all. Three of them were in the house with me and still in high school. Apparently, she and Bethany traveled with me for the seven hour trip to chemo and I don't even remember this! They WERE there. I just don't remember them. I was sharing this with my sister and she said that I was very closed off then.
When I was about ten, I remember falling on this rock and tearing open my knee. It was deep, I mean very deep. As my cousin was driving me to the ER to get some stitches, I remember having the "Why did this happen to me?" conversation. But as soon as this came out of my mouth, I told her I was glad. I didn't wish it on anyone else. If it was fated that this had to happen to someone, I was glad to bear the pain instead of anyone else.
It is strange to think about your illness from the perspective of another. When I was talking to my sister, she was telling me how when I was diagnosed with cancer she was praying that it was her instead. That broke my heart. I mean this huge weight was pulling on me. I told her never, never would I want that. and I mean it. I feel lucky (in the loosest sense of the word) that it was me instead of anyone else. i am not saying this because I am selfless or good. BELIEVE ME, I AM NOT. I actually think it quite selfish of me. It is harder for me to see someone suffer than it is to suffer myself. I guess my real regret was that I didn't let anyone in to hold my hand... looking back, that would have been really nice.
Monday, May 5, 2008
just because
I feel that I need to give an introduction to this blog, but honestly I really don't feel like it. I am starting this for the same reason that most people start blogs.
I am doing laundry today. I hate doing housework. I know that a lot of women don't enjoy doing housework but they do it because it needs to be done. Well, I have simply ignored this fact and ignored any sort of mildew that may or may not have been growing around this house... I get overwhelmed with any sort of big projects so I usually stop before I start. I have just decided to do one thing a day. Today is laundry. We will see about tomorrow.
update on laundry... I might have broke the wash machine. I stuffed my comforter in it. It keeps stopping. I'm a little scared.
I am doing laundry today. I hate doing housework. I know that a lot of women don't enjoy doing housework but they do it because it needs to be done. Well, I have simply ignored this fact and ignored any sort of mildew that may or may not have been growing around this house... I get overwhelmed with any sort of big projects so I usually stop before I start. I have just decided to do one thing a day. Today is laundry. We will see about tomorrow.
update on laundry... I might have broke the wash machine. I stuffed my comforter in it. It keeps stopping. I'm a little scared.
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