Just being

Changes are happening. Changes that I have waited so long for and changes that I joyfully said yes to. I am overwhelmed with excitement but also just overwhelmed. I have been thinking a lot lately about what this change means and doesn't mean. It is difficult when you realize that you have these expectations that are not at all logical.

I have struggled for as long as I can remember and to compensate for struggling, I have chose to live in the tomorrow instead of the present. I guess it is not something you consciously chose to do, just something that your mind does for some self-preservation. It has made me always look forward to things to bring me happiness and to get me by. When the events come, I cannot even fully enjoy them. I am frantically searching for something in my near future to look forward to. If I cannot find anything, I get so scared and feel so alone. I am alone with myself and just my being.

I am overwhelmed at the process of planning the event that marks the change in my life, but I am scared that I will overlook this joyous and momentous occasion to look for the future. To look for my next dose of anticipation. I don't want that. It makes life hard. In my daydreams about the future, it always includes being completely satisfied with what that day has to offer. That, being so simple I know, is my dream for the future. It is even my dream for myself. I know it is elementary but it is what it is.

I was thinking about my other plans and goals for the future and I felt so guilty. There are so many things that I want to do but I have been waiting so long for them to fall in my lap. I know that all of this is going to sound so cliche but I realized it is the same for my personhood. I cannot wait for occasions to happen to change the things that I want changed. Marriage is not going to magically make my life happier and make everything I hate about myself disappear. There are things that I will have to learn to love and things I will need to learn to change.