laying down memory lane.

Today I was thinking about my nana. I was lying down taking a nap and I heard birds outside and the breeze was blowing through the window. It was so peaceful and wonderful and I did drift into a wonderful nap. I remember when I was younger and I would go visit my nana. Her place is always so beautiful. She is so creative and artistic but she has never been a typical nana. She is tall and beautiful and not just "for her age." She has never been the nurturing type and she has always been sort of cold woman, but that is a different post, different subject.
Her place was lush with flowers and plants landscaped around her house. You see, I grew up for part of my life in the middle of nowhere. It was dry with tumble weeds and virtually no green in sight. We would drive down the dirt lane and in the clearing was this little oasis. It was shaded and wonderful. If you walked about half a mile, past the corral, you would come to a little creek. We found a deep area there that we used to swim in.
Her house was great too. I was always envious and inspired by her house. She had a little room in the back that was some sort of sunroom in the summer and a cozy little room with a fireplace in the winter. She worked on little projects in there. She must have grown out of this room because she later had a small studio built behind the house where she kept her art in. I would ask to go see the new things she had been working on. She would show me all the watercolors and oils and the pictures that inspired her paintings.
In the middle of the day she would lay down for an afternoon nap. Sometimes I would lay down in the spare room, but usually I would take this time to walk around the house and see all the beautiful artistic things.

So Chris has already started building me a special room. We painted this room a beautiful color and he has been building a desk with a drafting table "thingy" to paint and draw. There is also a flat space where I can work on these projects I have been doing.
So today I was taking a nap and it was wonderful and a little bit nostalgic.

a little dose, here and again

It is weird when tragedy sneaks upon you when you least expect it. Going along, just having survived your teenage years and bam, boom...wham...$^%$#@# there it is. Nothing to your knowledge could have prevented it and there is nothing but the months to follow with a little dose of hope to get your through.

I was diagnosed with cancer six years ago. Wow, six years ago... I am healthy, and have been for the most part, these last five years. I am so thankful. I am. My body responded well to chemo and has done well since.

It is interesting how the memories of something sneaks back on you here and there. I lived in a fog for that year. I talk about it with family members and they say something that I have no idea about. It is weird how our minds do not allow us to always fully experience hardships we face. It gets tucked away in the folds only to pop up here and again.

I was "skyping" with my sister last night. She is in the Philippines teaching at some schools about the bible (a very specific book, that I cannot remember). It is easy to be honest when you are talking over the internet and someone is about ten thousand miles away (distance?). We were talking about my relationship with God and how I don't share that with people. That discussion then lead to talking about me having had cancer.

When I look back on that year, as i said previously, I don't remember a lot. I have no recollection of my siblings. I don't remember interacting with them at all. Three of them were in the house with me and still in high school. Apparently, she and Bethany traveled with me for the seven hour trip to chemo and I don't even remember this! They WERE there. I just don't remember them. I was sharing this with my sister and she said that I was very closed off then.

When I was about ten, I remember falling on this rock and tearing open my knee. It was deep, I mean very deep. As my cousin was driving me to the ER to get some stitches, I remember having the "Why did this happen to me?" conversation. But as soon as this came out of my mouth, I told her I was glad. I didn't wish it on anyone else. If it was fated that this had to happen to someone, I was glad to bear the pain instead of anyone else.

It is strange to think about your illness from the perspective of another. When I was talking to my sister, she was telling me how when I was diagnosed with cancer she was praying that it was her instead. That broke my heart. I mean this huge weight was pulling on me. I told her never, never would I want that. and I mean it. I feel lucky (in the loosest sense of the word) that it was me instead of anyone else. i am not saying this because I am selfless or good. BELIEVE ME, I AM NOT. I actually think it quite selfish of me. It is harder for me to see someone suffer than it is to suffer myself. I guess my real regret was that I didn't let anyone in to hold my hand... looking back, that would have been really nice.

just because

I feel that I need to give an introduction to this blog, but honestly I really don't feel like it. I am starting this for the same reason that most people start blogs.


I am doing laundry today. I hate doing housework. I know that a lot of women don't enjoy doing housework but they do it because it needs to be done. Well, I have simply ignored this fact and ignored any sort of mildew that may or may not have been growing around this house... I get overwhelmed with any sort of big projects so I usually stop before I start. I have just decided to do one thing a day. Today is laundry. We will see about tomorrow.

update on laundry... I might have broke the wash machine. I stuffed my comforter in it. It keeps stopping. I'm a little scared.