a little dose, here and again

It is weird when tragedy sneaks upon you when you least expect it. Going along, just having survived your teenage years and bam, boom...wham...$^%$#@# there it is. Nothing to your knowledge could have prevented it and there is nothing but the months to follow with a little dose of hope to get your through.

I was diagnosed with cancer six years ago. Wow, six years ago... I am healthy, and have been for the most part, these last five years. I am so thankful. I am. My body responded well to chemo and has done well since.

It is interesting how the memories of something sneaks back on you here and there. I lived in a fog for that year. I talk about it with family members and they say something that I have no idea about. It is weird how our minds do not allow us to always fully experience hardships we face. It gets tucked away in the folds only to pop up here and again.

I was "skyping" with my sister last night. She is in the Philippines teaching at some schools about the bible (a very specific book, that I cannot remember). It is easy to be honest when you are talking over the internet and someone is about ten thousand miles away (distance?). We were talking about my relationship with God and how I don't share that with people. That discussion then lead to talking about me having had cancer.

When I look back on that year, as i said previously, I don't remember a lot. I have no recollection of my siblings. I don't remember interacting with them at all. Three of them were in the house with me and still in high school. Apparently, she and Bethany traveled with me for the seven hour trip to chemo and I don't even remember this! They WERE there. I just don't remember them. I was sharing this with my sister and she said that I was very closed off then.

When I was about ten, I remember falling on this rock and tearing open my knee. It was deep, I mean very deep. As my cousin was driving me to the ER to get some stitches, I remember having the "Why did this happen to me?" conversation. But as soon as this came out of my mouth, I told her I was glad. I didn't wish it on anyone else. If it was fated that this had to happen to someone, I was glad to bear the pain instead of anyone else.

It is strange to think about your illness from the perspective of another. When I was talking to my sister, she was telling me how when I was diagnosed with cancer she was praying that it was her instead. That broke my heart. I mean this huge weight was pulling on me. I told her never, never would I want that. and I mean it. I feel lucky (in the loosest sense of the word) that it was me instead of anyone else. i am not saying this because I am selfless or good. BELIEVE ME, I AM NOT. I actually think it quite selfish of me. It is harder for me to see someone suffer than it is to suffer myself. I guess my real regret was that I didn't let anyone in to hold my hand... looking back, that would have been really nice.